Snap dragons

(Note to reader: this is poorly written due to me feeling very emotional.)
Sometimes I think it’s easier for me just to lie and hide how I truly am. The second I show people my true nature or weaknesses they start to second guess who I really am. As if I was some ethereal being without pain or sorrow like anyone else in this damn world. 

I can’t really blame them because this isn’t the person I led them to believe. Yet, if I were to show how really depressed I am or what things I sometimes do to cope to every Tom dick and sally. I would labeled as attention seeking and dramatic. So I hide how I really am to the majority of you all. I sincerely do not want to burden you with the demons that I face. If I find them unbearable I can only imagine how you would feel. 

I’m tired of starving myself. I’m tired of cutting. I’m tired of feeling that I can’t break down to someone and just have someone comfort me for once. I know I can’t depend on anyone to make me better and I don’t want that. I just want to get better. I have good days and some bad days.
I know I’ll get better. 
Chopin – Les Sylphides
   
 

The Golden Rule.

I’ve written before of my fondness of the golden rule. As I get older I gain better appreciation of it everyday. However, I do hold it to a higher degree and a different person nowadays. I dictate it to not only to those around me but the person inside of me as well. 

It’s kind of a conundrum but bear with me. The human experience is a never ending cycle of teachings and lessons. As children we are ethereal beings unbeknownst to the harsh realities of the world. Divine creatures finally enduring the human experience. Only to make us bitter and afraid of the consuming darkness that is the known as unknown future. Our experiences pave the road we walk and lay weight on our minds to forever carry the burdens of our mistakes. 

Though there is one thing that makes stay constant on that road and that is the memory of myself. For everytime I am placed in a situation that is frightening or unhealthy I ask myself what would I say to myself as a child? Would I tell him “it’s okay to remain silent about your abuse.” Or “you deserve to be in a relationship that is selfish and abusive”. What separates that person you once were to the person you are today? There is nothing more devastating than watching yourself deteriorate over something you would never let a child endure. We’d like to think we’re more progressive and thoughtful. Yet everytime we endure these crimes we reaffirme the idea that you’re not worthy of being. I don’t mean to shame or scold anyone in a reprehensible situation. All I’m asking you to do is the next time you feel you’re not worthy either it being from self abuse or something external. Look at a photo of yourself as a child and ask “Would I tell him/her that this is okay”? Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this. 



An open letter to my future lover

I am human and I will make mistakes. Know that if I’ve let you in I truly love you. That being said, I promise to be honest to you. I have learned am learning from my mistakes. The one solemn vow I make to you will be that I will give you my honest self; not as a tribute to you but to me. I will never be ashamed of you or deny you. I will honor your existence and praise you for your individuality. I will make a conscious effort to always fight for us until there is nothing to fight for. I will not place you on a pedestal but set you beside me as my partner. I will not allow you to be my sole source of happiness, but my confidant. To breathe unto you my inner most secrets and desires. I will do my duty to give you this mutual haven. I have learned am learning from my mistakes. And I solemnly vow this.

The xx – Together

The bigger picture.

It’s become apparent to me in the last 7 years that I don’t know how to show genuine affection. Also it’s partially and selfishly why I can’t truly understand true happiness. I’ve had the good fortune of being born to middle class parents. These good people have given me almost every whim I’ve desired through out my life. I can’t remember a Christmas or birthday I didn’t receive the exact gift I requested. Or remember a time I wasn’t coddled for being the only boy to my fathers name. The one thing my parents lacked was affection. I know my parents love me; I can never deny that. However, my parents grew up with at least one parent that showed no emotion. So in turn they carried the family affliction of being void of empathy and bestowed the crown on my sister and me.

The only way
they knew how to show affection was through presents and outings. The only thing they asked from us was to be polite and quiet. By this I mean they didn’t want us to talk back or act rudely towards them. If we did they’d exclaim we were ungrateful and didn’t understand how selfish we could be after all they’d given us. Through this they taught me that almost any human defect could be overlooked through gifts. Writing this pains me. Feeling like a precious bird in a gilded cage; but I feel fundamentally alone. I can’t resonate with any of my peers or love interests on a personal level. This gives me an overwhelming feeling of dread. So to gain acceptance I begin bestowing the person in question with gifts. Their smiling face gives me the satisfaction that I’m making someone happy. However this is only short lived once I notice I haven’t truly brought anything with substance to the table.

However there are rare occasions when you meet someone who makes you question your ideology. These people always scare me; due to the fact that they can see past my façade that even clouds my own mind. I’m scared, but I’m interested. I’m worried to let the real me show, mostly because I still don’t know who he is either. I usually have a negative connotation when it comes to feeling emotions. However I think I’m willing to try to work on myself, for myself.

“If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else”? – Ru Paul

Blood

I used to cut myself on the bottoms of my feet so no one could see and every time I took a step I could feel the pain.

I was in second grade. I told my best friend at the time in Boy Scouts who noticed them. He said it wasn’t right. I thought it was perfectly normal. I hate this life. This rotten materialistic capitalist life. I hate that I have to drink and smoke and cut in order to release. I try not too. But I do. That’s all.

At least I didn’t drown my sorrows and fuck someone I had no feelings toward to tonight. I don’t feel capable anyways.

Self examination

I’ve noticed in the last couple of days that I wouldn’t want to be friends with myself. I’m distant, moody, awkward, and I don’t do this to seek attention. I just don’t know how to express myself emotionally so I come off, off if you will. On top of that, I’m selfish, conceded and an overall miserable person. I’m everything I hate in this world.

Sometimes when I wake up early because I can’t sleep from what’s on my mind. I really question my self worth and what I contribute not only to society. Also what I can do for the people closest in my life. It’s not a lot, I feel as if there’s more bad than good. I try not to think like this but the feeling creeps in. This feeling is consuming and I don’t think I’ll ever learn from my mistakes.

A very un patriotic cuatro de julio

As I see and smell the sulfuric fumes flowing into the air; I can’t help but think about my family vacations to Mexico.

I miss being young and and careless getting drunk on warm summer nights. We’d Buy beer underage as we watched the local kids skateboard. Laughter felt warmer and the skies seemed bluer.

I hate that I’m getting older and my responsibilities are growing. I am experiencing everything Ive watched growing up. In a different perspective yeah, but still just as real. I guess as I age the reality of my existence is becoming apparent to me as I age. I don’t know. I want to be happy. I want to feel the joy and recklessness I left as that person who once ago had no worries or care. I hope so. Thanks for reading this and have a great day.

Singing cicadas

I become someone very different during the summer. The summer is a hard time for me emotionally. It’s always been like that for as long as I can remember. I drink heavier, I stay inside more, nothing really fulfills me when I’m in this state of mind. I even take up smoking.

I think it stems from my inability to relate and bond with people. I’m not saying in a social recluse. However, I don’t know how to share emotional bonds with people; nor do I have the urge to want too. I have a perceived notion that for the most part every human on the face of the earth is an abomination. I have no interest in interacting with, and I’m no better either. So you could look at it psychologically that I don’t want to face my inner demons or literal that I for the most part hate the human race.

Thanks for reading my 9 am rambling, Have a great day.

Lana Del Rey – Old Money

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Miserable.

I haven’t written in forever, I know but I’m delving into one of my depressions again. At times like these I’m mostly aware and “inspired” when I’m either drunk or high. So most of my ideas get blacked out by the morning after. I hate feeling like this. I feel as if I’m losing control. I hate being so analytical and I wish I could be more expressive, but I can’t.

I don’t let anyone in and I feel like I’m drowning, it’s cool I’m used to it.

I’m hoping to get it of this soon, but until then I’ll write again soon

Lana Del Rey – Shades of Cool

Idealistic.

I want to start off by saying I don’t believe in fate or destiny. However, I do accept the idea that for the most part. Our lives are coursed from both external and internal factors that we have no control over. That being nature and nurture though out the course of being raised.

I at times live idealistically as if
my future hasn’t been set and I can choose whatever I want. Yet I know that there are some qualities that I do not hold that will hinder these dreams. I’m not depressed nor have low self esteem, but the last two years have really made me see life isn’t as beautiful as I made it seem.

I’m just becoming more aware of my significance in the grand scheme of things. It’s humbling, but debilitating at the same time. I know I have a lot to learn and each day I go into the void knowing I can always learn more. I just want to know that what I’m living at this very moment isn’t it.

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.” – William Shakespeare

Lujon – Henry Mancini

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