An open letter to my future lover

I am human and I will make mistakes. Know that if I’ve let you in I truly love you. That being said, I promise to be honest to you. I have learned am learning from my mistakes. The one solemn vow I make to you will be that I will give you my honest self; not as a tribute to you but to me. I will never be ashamed of you or deny you. I will honor your existence and praise you for your individuality. I will make a conscious effort to always fight for us until there is nothing to fight for. I will not place you on a pedestal but set you beside me as my partner. I will not allow you to be my sole source of happiness, but my confidant. To breathe unto you my inner most secrets and desires. I will do my duty to give you this mutual haven. I have learned am learning from my mistakes. And I solemnly vow this.

The xx – Together

Self examination

I’ve noticed in the last couple of days that I wouldn’t want to be friends with myself. I’m distant, moody, awkward, and I don’t do this to seek attention. I just don’t know how to express myself emotionally so I come off, off if you will. On top of that, I’m selfish, conceded and an overall miserable person. I’m everything I hate in this world.

Sometimes when I wake up early because I can’t sleep from what’s on my mind. I really question my self worth and what I contribute not only to society. Also what I can do for the people closest in my life. It’s not a lot, I feel as if there’s more bad than good. I try not to think like this but the feeling creeps in. This feeling is consuming and I don’t think I’ll ever learn from my mistakes.

A very un patriotic cuatro de julio

As I see and smell the sulfuric fumes flowing into the air; I can’t help but think about my family vacations to Mexico.

I miss being young and and careless getting drunk on warm summer nights. We’d Buy beer underage as we watched the local kids skateboard. Laughter felt warmer and the skies seemed bluer.

I hate that I’m getting older and my responsibilities are growing. I am experiencing everything Ive watched growing up. In a different perspective yeah, but still just as real. I guess as I age the reality of my existence is becoming apparent to me as I age. I don’t know. I want to be happy. I want to feel the joy and recklessness I left as that person who once ago had no worries or care. I hope so. Thanks for reading this and have a great day.

Singing cicadas

I become someone very different during the summer. The summer is a hard time for me emotionally. It’s always been like that for as long as I can remember. I drink heavier, I stay inside more, nothing really fulfills me when I’m in this state of mind. I even take up smoking.

I think it stems from my inability to relate and bond with people. I’m not saying in a social recluse. However, I don’t know how to share emotional bonds with people; nor do I have the urge to want too. I have a perceived notion that for the most part every human on the face of the earth is an abomination. I have no interest in interacting with, and I’m no better either. So you could look at it psychologically that I don’t want to face my inner demons or literal that I for the most part hate the human race.

Thanks for reading my 9 am rambling, Have a great day.

Lana Del Rey – Old Money

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Idealistic.

I want to start off by saying I don’t believe in fate or destiny. However, I do accept the idea that for the most part. Our lives are coursed from both external and internal factors that we have no control over. That being nature and nurture though out the course of being raised.

I at times live idealistically as if
my future hasn’t been set and I can choose whatever I want. Yet I know that there are some qualities that I do not hold that will hinder these dreams. I’m not depressed nor have low self esteem, but the last two years have really made me see life isn’t as beautiful as I made it seem.

I’m just becoming more aware of my significance in the grand scheme of things. It’s humbling, but debilitating at the same time. I know I have a lot to learn and each day I go into the void knowing I can always learn more. I just want to know that what I’m living at this very moment isn’t it.

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.” – William Shakespeare

Lujon – Henry Mancini

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Wretched beast.

I know I have a blessed life, I can not deny that. Yet, once in a while I succumb to a debilitating depression that I can’t escape. I feel wretched, alone, and void of all tender emotion at times, giving two shits what anyone thinks.

But I enjoy the pain sometimes just because I know I still feel something. I’m still losing my soul. Therefore I still have a soul to lose. I’m not a complete monster just yet. I’ve made awful mistakes in my past, sins that I will never atone. I’ve given up on finding my saving grace. My purity in this wicked existence. I am one of the monsters, I wear a mask to hide my true self. I’m a coward, a fiend, yet I yearn for salvation.

I have only myself to blame.

“lighting new cigarettes, pouring more drinks. It has been a beautiful fight. Still is.”

– Charles Bukowski

James Blackshaw – Fix

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Monotonous days

With the beginning of school, and scheduling that between work and responsibilities. The lingering feeling of boredom and monotony sets in.

Although I initially hate this feeling, I’m reminded that its not a set emotion. I appreciate that I have the capacity to feel something so profound. To me, boredom is the mind and body searching for something more.

“Boredom is the most sublime of all human emotions. Because it expresses the fact that the human spirit in a certain sense. Is greater than the entire universe. Boredom, is an expression of a profound despair at not finding anything that can satisfy the souls boundless needs”. – Giacomo Leopardi

Our minds and bodies are searching for constant stimulation. Just like the corporal necessities such as hunger, and thirst. Boredom is our minds way of telling us to keep it intact. So the next time you’re feeling bored, try something you’ve never done. Even the most smallest thing, read a book listen to a genre of music you’ve never tired.

If not, perfect something you’ve already learned. It might be boring but the human spirit has the power to fight the worst adversities. The satisfaction of overcoming the most tedious tasks are sometimes the most rewarding ones. Thanks for taking the time to read this and have a great day guys

Breathe – Tèlèpopmusik

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The gift of water

I’ll be brief, last night between the many times I woke up and feel back to sleep. I stumbled upon this video that really touched my heart. For a while now I’ve been looking for a charity to either donate my money or time, of not both.

I feel like that search is coming to an end. Water is life is a charity that works in developing countries to provide short term and long term solutions in obtaining safe drinking water to learn more and to donate click this link WATERisLIFE

I’m either hoping to work out an event held at my job for them. Or find another profitable solution. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Feel free to share this with your friends

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Schools back for fall

It’s officially the first day of school for not only myself, but for the kids as well. It’s amazing how summer went by however, I am glad to be back on campus this semester.

I’m really looking forward to bettering myself and getting that much closer to finishing my education. So im not really enjoying this wine hangover this morning 😓 probably not the best thing to drink the night before your first day. Haha. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this, and have a great rest of your day!

The Bird and The Bee – Diamond Dave

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Breaking up, breaking away

It’s been a while since my ex and I haven’t been together. Yet, whenever I find anything that either belongs to her or find something that I kept as a memoir of a day we spent together I can’t help but feel this overwhelming sadness of someone I’ve lost.

To me it’s a fate worse than death, just because death is inevitable. However, when you choose to not have someone on your life and they fall out of your life there’s this desperation to reach out to them just because its still possible. It’s living with the dead and I hate it.

I’m not entirely sure if I miss her as a person or just the memory of her. I guess the sole reason she meant so much to me was that I gave my entire self to her. Something I’ve never done with anyone else because I didn’t want to feel hurt. I know I have to move on, and I am slowly. I just miss her, regardless of our past and all the the things we did to one another.

She’s the most courageous, wonderful, intellectual, sweetest, endearing women I’ve ever met. I just want to let her know I don’t hate her and I wish her the best in everything she does in life. Because she deserves it, she was my best friend, my soul mate, my everything. She made me strive to be a better person. However she ends up with, will be a very lucky guy.

I just want closure I guess. I hope I find it one day. Thanks for reading today guys and have an awesome day.

Air – Playground Love

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