Snap dragons

(Note to reader: this is poorly written due to me feeling very emotional.)
Sometimes I think it’s easier for me just to lie and hide how I truly am. The second I show people my true nature or weaknesses they start to second guess who I really am. As if I was some ethereal being without pain or sorrow like anyone else in this damn world. 

I can’t really blame them because this isn’t the person I led them to believe. Yet, if I were to show how really depressed I am or what things I sometimes do to cope to every Tom dick and sally. I would labeled as attention seeking and dramatic. So I hide how I really am to the majority of you all. I sincerely do not want to burden you with the demons that I face. If I find them unbearable I can only imagine how you would feel. 

I’m tired of starving myself. I’m tired of cutting. I’m tired of feeling that I can’t break down to someone and just have someone comfort me for once. I know I can’t depend on anyone to make me better and I don’t want that. I just want to get better. I have good days and some bad days.
I know I’ll get better. 
Chopin – Les Sylphides
   
 

The Golden Rule.

I’ve written before of my fondness of the golden rule. As I get older I gain better appreciation of it everyday. However, I do hold it to a higher degree and a different person nowadays. I dictate it to not only to those around me but the person inside of me as well. 

It’s kind of a conundrum but bear with me. The human experience is a never ending cycle of teachings and lessons. As children we are ethereal beings unbeknownst to the harsh realities of the world. Divine creatures finally enduring the human experience. Only to make us bitter and afraid of the consuming darkness that is the known as unknown future. Our experiences pave the road we walk and lay weight on our minds to forever carry the burdens of our mistakes. 

Though there is one thing that makes stay constant on that road and that is the memory of myself. For everytime I am placed in a situation that is frightening or unhealthy I ask myself what would I say to myself as a child? Would I tell him “it’s okay to remain silent about your abuse.” Or “you deserve to be in a relationship that is selfish and abusive”. What separates that person you once were to the person you are today? There is nothing more devastating than watching yourself deteriorate over something you would never let a child endure. We’d like to think we’re more progressive and thoughtful. Yet everytime we endure these crimes we reaffirme the idea that you’re not worthy of being. I don’t mean to shame or scold anyone in a reprehensible situation. All I’m asking you to do is the next time you feel you’re not worthy either it being from self abuse or something external. Look at a photo of yourself as a child and ask “Would I tell him/her that this is okay”? Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this. 



The bigger picture.

It’s become apparent to me in the last 7 years that I don’t know how to show genuine affection. Also it’s partially and selfishly why I can’t truly understand true happiness. I’ve had the good fortune of being born to middle class parents. These good people have given me almost every whim I’ve desired through out my life. I can’t remember a Christmas or birthday I didn’t receive the exact gift I requested. Or remember a time I wasn’t coddled for being the only boy to my fathers name. The one thing my parents lacked was affection. I know my parents love me; I can never deny that. However, my parents grew up with at least one parent that showed no emotion. So in turn they carried the family affliction of being void of empathy and bestowed the crown on my sister and me.

The only way
they knew how to show affection was through presents and outings. The only thing they asked from us was to be polite and quiet. By this I mean they didn’t want us to talk back or act rudely towards them. If we did they’d exclaim we were ungrateful and didn’t understand how selfish we could be after all they’d given us. Through this they taught me that almost any human defect could be overlooked through gifts. Writing this pains me. Feeling like a precious bird in a gilded cage; but I feel fundamentally alone. I can’t resonate with any of my peers or love interests on a personal level. This gives me an overwhelming feeling of dread. So to gain acceptance I begin bestowing the person in question with gifts. Their smiling face gives me the satisfaction that I’m making someone happy. However this is only short lived once I notice I haven’t truly brought anything with substance to the table.

However there are rare occasions when you meet someone who makes you question your ideology. These people always scare me; due to the fact that they can see past my façade that even clouds my own mind. I’m scared, but I’m interested. I’m worried to let the real me show, mostly because I still don’t know who he is either. I usually have a negative connotation when it comes to feeling emotions. However I think I’m willing to try to work on myself, for myself.

“If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else”? – Ru Paul

Blood

I used to cut myself on the bottoms of my feet so no one could see and every time I took a step I could feel the pain.

I was in second grade. I told my best friend at the time in Boy Scouts who noticed them. He said it wasn’t right. I thought it was perfectly normal. I hate this life. This rotten materialistic capitalist life. I hate that I have to drink and smoke and cut in order to release. I try not too. But I do. That’s all.

At least I didn’t drown my sorrows and fuck someone I had no feelings toward to tonight. I don’t feel capable anyways.

Miserable.

I haven’t written in forever, I know but I’m delving into one of my depressions again. At times like these I’m mostly aware and “inspired” when I’m either drunk or high. So most of my ideas get blacked out by the morning after. I hate feeling like this. I feel as if I’m losing control. I hate being so analytical and I wish I could be more expressive, but I can’t.

I don’t let anyone in and I feel like I’m drowning, it’s cool I’m used to it.

I’m hoping to get it of this soon, but until then I’ll write again soon

Lana Del Rey – Shades of Cool

Another year older, another year just as wise

Well it’s my birthday I started it yesterday, something I’ve never done before. To be completely honest it’s not something I don’t celebrate just for the fact that if I enjoy it immensely I worry it won’t live to it the years after.

I know it’s weird but I don’t like to expect anything just because expectations make you assume and assumptions make you feel entitled. If you go into a situation not expecting any sort of gratification and leave with something. To be that makes the situation so much better.

Anyways back to my early celebration. It was great!! I received a set of Rita Hayworth films and the sweetest card. I also received a very nice tie bar, and a replacement t-shirt from a prior situation that was more comedic in a sense than scary. All in all it was the best birthday I’ve experienced. It’s really nice to know that someone cares about you enough to go out of their way to get you something you’ll enjoy.

Well, I’m going out later tonight to continue the celebration. Regardless of anything I’m happy that I’ve met such giving people and I have such amazing family that truly cares for me. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this and have a great day. Here’s a song that always puts me in a good mood. Willy Moon – I Want To Be Your Man

Missing people.

Missing people sucks, plan and simple. Friends move away, relatives pass away, relationships end. How do we cope? If you came for the answer here, I don’t have it. Sorry bout it. I’m just as lost as you. Personally I don’t let a lot of people in too close, solely because I hate the feeling of losing that person. Or that they might hurt you. However, as life goes on the pain doesn’t hurt as much as it first does. You meet new people you have new experiences and you move on. As harsh as that sounds to the memory of a loved one, that’s all we can do. Don’t get me wrong there are plenty of people I wish we’re in life again. Some good and some not so good. But they affected my life in such a way that I miss experiencing their being. So my only advice would be take pictures, live in the moment, and do what makes you happy. Nothing is promised.

Usual mornings.

Usually I wake up anywhere between 7 to 10 depending if I work or not. I’m a key holder at a speciality store in Dallas, I like what I do. I love the company I work for however, there are days that seem redundant and I wish I could just live like a nomad and more from place to place without care. Maybe one day.

Hello interweb.

I’ve always wanted to start a blog and now here I go. Hello, my name is Juan I’m 22 born aug. 3rd and ill post something more in depth another time but I thought I’d get this out of the way and say hello. Currently on my iPhone, getting my computer fixed. So I guess that’s it for now. Byeeee