It’s become apparent to me in the last 7 years that I don’t know how to show genuine affection. Also it’s partially and selfishly why I can’t truly understand true happiness. I’ve had the good fortune of being born to middle class parents. These good people have given me almost every whim I’ve desired through out my life. I can’t remember a Christmas or birthday I didn’t receive the exact gift I requested. Or remember a time I wasn’t coddled for being the only boy to my fathers name. The one thing my parents lacked was affection. I know my parents love me; I can never deny that. However, my parents grew up with at least one parent that showed no emotion. So in turn they carried the family affliction of being void of empathy and bestowed the crown on my sister and me.
The only way
they knew how to show affection was through presents and outings. The only thing they asked from us was to be polite and quiet. By this I mean they didn’t want us to talk back or act rudely towards them. If we did they’d exclaim we were ungrateful and didn’t understand how selfish we could be after all they’d given us. Through this they taught me that almost any human defect could be overlooked through gifts. Writing this pains me. Feeling like a precious bird in a gilded cage; but I feel fundamentally alone. I can’t resonate with any of my peers or love interests on a personal level. This gives me an overwhelming feeling of dread. So to gain acceptance I begin bestowing the person in question with gifts. Their smiling face gives me the satisfaction that I’m making someone happy. However this is only short lived once I notice I haven’t truly brought anything with substance to the table.
However there are rare occasions when you meet someone who makes you question your ideology. These people always scare me; due to the fact that they can see past my façade that even clouds my own mind. I’m scared, but I’m interested. I’m worried to let the real me show, mostly because I still don’t know who he is either. I usually have a negative connotation when it comes to feeling emotions. However I think I’m willing to try to work on myself, for myself.
“If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else”? – Ru Paul
Juan Trevizo's Blog 